A STAR was born on Friday Nights. Star was my stripper name and the only way to get STARS attention was with money in your hand.
See, here is the side of the street life they don’t tell you….
$500 dollars was a slow night and the excitement of being desired was similar to riding a roller coaster at the climax of adrenaline rushing through your veins. This lifestyle has a way of bringing you high just to trap you on the ground. The danger of objectifying your spirit to the cutthroat mentality that is the night life. Insomnia became my middle name and the bags under my eyes were the signs of a woman out of control and addicted to feeling absolutely nothing. I hated myself and I couldn’t grasp onto hope and vision of a better life.
There is nothing glamorous about being a stripper or drug addict. It pains my soul to see children emulating media that glorifies a lifestyle that almost killed me. I hear it all the time, ‘You don’t look like what you’ve been through”. You’re right, but my mind remembers the emptiness and damage endured in that era. Scattered memories clouded with Ecstasy pills, alcohol and any substance that allowed solitude from the shameful reality I created as my environment.
The daytime was spent driving from fast food restaurant and grocery store to get a fix of toxic foods. Inner thoughts created debilitating anxiety from the fullness in my stomach. Feeling powerless and out of control, I got on my knees in front of the toilet and stuck two fingers down my throat to unleash the strongest high and illusion of relief. This ritual was repeated at least 10 times a day because every morsel of food had the power to ruin the supposed control I maintained. Pill bottles filled with different types of diet pills. The echoing pound of my heart in my chest resounded in my ears. This was the soundtrack that played as I exercised to the point of injury.
It hurt so good to be thin and in “control”.
I continue to fight the evil inside that tells me I don’t deserve to show God’s grace through my mended broken pieces. I look back and thank God for guiding me into the purpose of my life. I kept the dark part of me hidden for years out of fear of judgement and now I realize this is my strength and Gods glory. I don’t look like what I’ve been through. I make a conscience effort and CHOOSE to fight for a better life then before. Don’t allow ANYONE to hold you back because of your mistakes and dark places.
The journey won’t always be easy, but I promise it’s worth it.
7 years, 9 months, 7 days as of 07/11/2019
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